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The Night of Shame

Najati Al-Bukhari

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

Huda

As I have already said at the beginning of this story, our big house that looked like a small palace or a medieval fortress was always the place where one of the following three main events took place throughout the year. These events were first the arrival of a newly born member either a boy and less favorable a girl. Then comes the sudden, the unexpected and inexplicable death of a member of the family. Then one should mention the marriage of a young man or a girl in the family.

Every two or three months an important, happy or sad event, took place. Every year three newly born babies make their arrival in our family. Mothers of these babies could be the legal wives of my father or they could be the concubines of my father. Newly born babies could also be bastards whose mothers were neither a wife nor a concubine of my father.

Every year two children, on the average, found their death in very mysterious and strange circumstances. Or, on the other hand, a member of the family, either a boy or a girl, got married and left the house to live outside, somewhere in one of the quarters of the community.

These three main events, death, birth and marriage, are continuously repeated every year, but not in following a systematic time interval. Sometimes, two events took place in the same month. Sometimes, several months passed by without having in them the occurrence of a single main family event.

The second wife of my father, Huda, has already given birth to five children, of whom two are girls and three are boys. It has been said that this wife of my father, of the age of thirty three years have lost one daughter at the age of several weeks. The cause of the death of this little baby-girl was not known or declared at all and even was not identified. Or, in other words, the reason of death was not revealed at all. Normally, and in such similar cases, it would be said, claimed, that the child, the baby, died because of a very unknown and unidentified sickness.

Huda, the third wife of my father was pregnant for the seventh time. She desperately wished and desired that the coming child to be born very soon would be a boy, a baby boy and for sure not a girl.

Huda was pregnant and the will and the desire of the husband were to have boy, and not a girl. The husband had the belief, the conviction, that he should have always boys, baby boys, and not, for sure, girls. For him, for my father, the girl would constitute a burden, a heavy burden, to him and to his family at large. The unwelcoming sentiment towards girls was common amongst all the families of all social classes.

A lot of stories have been circulating at that time which told incidents, episodes, and events of the frequent burial of little baby girls even with the age of few days or even few hours or minutes.

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Huda, the third wife of my father, was well informed of these tragic and mysterious rumors and horrific and abominable and loathsome stories. She has so far lost a little baby girl in very doubtful circumstances.

Naturally, Huda, who was in her ninth month of pregnancy, desperately wished to have a baby boy who would be her fourth boy because she, had already three boys. She did not wish at all to have a girl who would be her third.

The day of the delivery and the giving birth to the child was approaching. Huda has been living in days of depression and melancholy. In most of the time, in her ninth month of pregnancy, she has been keeping herself continuously in her room and for several days in a week.

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Of course, Huda, did not allow anybody to visit her in the bedroom with the exception of her children and her intimate and dear friends from the family or from outside the family circle. Before the day of giving birth by about two weeks she asked from her dearest and closest friend, the black concubine, to pay her a visit in the afternoon of a certain day.

The two women, Huda and the black concubine spoke to each other for a long time about their life in the midst of this big family. The pregnant wife and her black friend have discussed for a long time about the bad, rough and unacceptable way in which the women of the family were treated.

"My dear friend, I am suffering very much these days because of the child who is there in my abdomen since nine months. During all the previous nights I have not seen except the horrible and the terrible nightmares. Nowadays, I think only and only of the destiny of any child whom I carry now. I am enormously worried and frightened if this baby will be a girl. In such a case, I have to support and bear, with patience, the disastrous and the tragic consequences to give birth to a little girl. You know very well that I have already lost one of my little girls just a short time after her birth." said Huda to her intimate friend, the black concubine who listened to her with distress, sorrow and grief.

Smile under the Hat 4
Above artwork is by the author's son Nawaf Al-Bukhari... See more!
© 1980-2017 by Nawaf Al Bukhari, Amman-JORDAN and Dubai-UAE

"Really, this is a difficult and a complicated problem to confront and to solve. Every year several crimes are committed in which innocent small baby girls are killed, strangled, and sacrificed in their own cradle in the midst of the night and in the absence of the mother. Fathers everywhere in our quarter want to get rid of their small baby girls. Nobody in our community dared to oppose such practices of our savage and barbarous traditions." said the black concubine, the close friend of Huda.

"Tell me my dear friend, what I should do to save my baby from such a hideous and dreadful possibility, such a nightmarish eventuality. I am absolutely determined to save my little baby girl, in case my coming baby would be a daughter, a girl, and not a son." said Huda, the wife of me father.

"Frankly speaking, we, the women of our community are the victims of archaic and barbarous traditions that we have inherited from our dark days, the days of ignorance and blindness. We are hopelessly, desperately reduced to a condition of powerlessness, of helplessness and of incompetence. We are really without any help. Let us hope and pray to God, the Al-Mighty, that the coming baby would be a baby boy and not a baby girl. A baby boy would be the source of pride and vanity to his father and to the family as a whole. Have you now the sentiment that your coming child would be a boy and not a baby girl?" asked the black concubine.

"Which sentiment do you speak about? These are things that only our Creator, our God, knows. Nobody, except our God the Al-Mighty, could know what is in the womb of women. It is only after the delivery that we, the mothers, would know the gender of the baby. I hope that this baby would be a son, my fourth son, a boy" said the pregnant woman, Huda, with sadness and despair.

The time for the delivery, for the birth of the child, has come. The pregnant mother has started to suffer from an agonizing and aching pain late in the evening. Consequently, the father was averted of the eventual arrival of a newly born child in the family.

As usual, and as it was the tradition in such circumstances, my father has taken the first decision or the first measure. He has sent a maid-servant to worn the mid-wife of the quarter of the possible birth of a child. The mid-wife has hastily come to our house without wasting time.

Huda, the wife of my father was lying in her spacious bed that was encircled by a maid servant and some women. The mid-wife has come to the house and she immediately went to the room of the pregnant woman, Huda. She was carrying with her a small black bag which she carried with her wherever she was precipitately called by somebody to come to the house of a pregnant woman who was about to give birth to a child.

The mid-wife has come in the past and for several times to help either a wife or a concubine to give birth to a baby. She was always extremely gentle and was highly respected and venerated by all the inhabitants of the quarter.

As soon as the mid-wife has arrived she examined Huda. After that she said to my father that it was more or less early to give birth now to the baby. It was necessary to wait for some time, perhaps till midnight. My father who was with a rich experience in this domain of human life and activity, or the birth of his children in general, did nothing but to nod his head.

My father has perfectly understood the message of the mid-wife. In other words she asked him to leave, to go out of the room. Because, it was certain, and according to her estimation, that Huda was in need of waiting for almost four or five hours before the arrival of the exact time for the child birth itself. Of course, my father left the room and Huda, the wife of my father, stayed with the mid-wife and another woman.

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After about three hours, the severe pain of child birth and of contraction of muscles has started. At this critical time of the process of delivery, my father was asked to come at once to the room of his wife. My father was informed that the time for the child birth has finally come.

With a sullen and troubled face, my father made his entry into the room. Everybody in the room looked furtively at my father's troubled face. As for him, he did not give any attention to who so ever was there present in the room. His regards were fixed all the time on the abdomen of his wife and sometimes on the face of the mid-wife.

Actually, my father wanted to know if the child, the baby, inside the womb of the wife was a boy or a girl. He was nervous and troubled before the birth of his child. Would the newly born creature be a girl, or a boy? Evidently, at that particular moment, nobody could say, utter, a single word. Even the mid-wife kept silent and did not say anything.

The pain and the suffering of the pregnant woman because of the contractions in her body muscles have augmented and became more and more accelerated. The pregnant woman was uttering cries of agony and suffering. At the same time, the experienced little hands of the mid-wife were totally busy in assisting the pregnant woman to deliver her baby without any trouble or problem.

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At that time, the mid-wife asked Huda to push on and to press on hard and as much as she could. Huda cooperated actively and she started to push on and to press on very hard. The mid-wife, still once more asked Huda to push and to press on more and more and as much as she could.

My father, in fact, began to perspire a lot to the extent that he used his white handkerchief to wipe away the drops of sweat that were there on his broad front and his cheeks. In spite of all of that, my father tried to look calm and tranquil.

The head of the newly born child came out slowly from the womb of his mother. My father, at that important and critical moment told himself in a low voice but bluntly that the head of the human being is not the most important part of the human body. One must wait and wait for the lower part of the child for knowing its real value, his sex, boy or a girl.

In few moments, after the coming out of the head of the child from the body of the mother, the mid-wife was holding the newly born child in her hands. The baby, the newly born human being uttered, pushed out some cries declaring its arrival safe and sound, to this world. The mid-wife announced immediately that a baby girl was born. Then she stood up to be able to show the newly born girl to everybody who was present in the room.

My Painting
Above artwork is by the author's son Nawaf Al-Bukhari... See more!
© 1980-2017 by Nawaf Al Bukhari, Amman-JORDAN and Dubai-UAE

The father of the child was struck by lightning. My father and the father of the new baby began to walk in the room up and down. He obstinately refused to look at the newly born baby or to carry the baby in his hands. My father was murmuring some words which nobody could understand. Nobody could comprehend a single word uttered by my furious father.

My father again absolutely refused to look at his newly born daughter. My father violently opened the door of the bedroom and he hastily went away from the room of Huda who gave him few minutes ago the newly born baby girl.

The violent, furious, savage and brutal reaction of my father, after knowing that he got a daughter and not a son this evening, was expected by everybody. In the past when a new girl came to him as an additional girl, daughter, from any of his wives or concubines, he reacted in the same way as he did to-day in a barbarous way. Nevertheless, this time, and in the case of the child birth of Huda, his reaction was more violent than in all the other cases in the past when daughters were born in the family.

Nobody knew the reasons for which my father was more troubled and more annoyed this evening than he did in the past. Probably, his recent scandalous nocturnal adventures with his sister, Samar, and with his daughter Laila have changed him in such a way that his behavior and his conduct have become more and more abnormal and unusual than before. My father imprisoned himself in his room and asked the eldest maid-servant in the house to prevent whosoever from entering his room.

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I Rajab was at that time in the main salon like most of the other residents of the house. While I was there, I had the sentiment that a crime would be committed very soon and that the victim would be my little sister, the little baby girl of Huda, and that the criminal and the murderer would be my father. Certainly, nobody would know how or when the crime would be committed.

The happy mother of the newly beautiful born baby was feeding her child from her breast in her bedroom in the presence of nobody. The mother looked at the face of the baby and she was enchanted by the beauty of her little daughter.

But all of a sudden, the mother was overwhelmed by inquietude and worries because the life of her little daughter was in danger and was really threatened. While she was feeding her baby girl, she searched in her depth for a way out of the impasse, of the deadlock in which she was trapped.

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Huda, the woman who already gave birth one hour ago to a baby daughter, has already lost a baby girl in extremely doubtful circumstances. That little baby girl disappeared mysteriously during the first few weeks of her life. Actually, Huda, the mother, came to the conclusion that she could not do anything at all whatsoever to save her little daughter and that the destiny of her daughter would be certainly determined by her merciless husband. Whatever that might be, Huda decided definitively to defend her little daughter as much as she could.

The old mid-wife has already left the room and nobody remained with the tortured and the tormented mother with the exception of the old maid servant whom everybody knew in the big house that she was an accomplice in all the precious crimes committed by my father,

Huda was not at all in a position ready to tolerate the presence of the wicked maid-servant with her in the room. Huda had the courage to ask from the old wicked maid to leave the room and to leave her, the mother, all alone with her little and charming daughter. With much hesitation and reticence, the old maid-servant prepared herself to leave Huda, the woman who gave birth to a baby girl, all alone in her big bedroom.

In few moments, there was no-one in the room with the exception of Huda and her little baby daughter. Being all alone and by herself, in the room, gave her the necessary and the needed and indispensable time and opportunity for looking for solutions and other alternatives to solve the intricate problem which she was confronting.

Huda was considering seriously and solemnly the alternative and the possibility of asking the help, the succor and the assistance of the family, her family. Was it possible for her to ask for help from her family and to seek to be a refugee in the house of her family?

After much thinking and reflection, Huda, the wife of the master of the house, arrived at the conclusion that it was impossible for her to seek refuge and succor in the house of her family. Not a single father in our community would accept that their daughter married to someone, whoever he is, returns to stay with her family forever under all circumstances.

Therefore Huda has been seriously looking for another alternative, another solution another outlet for the complicated problem she was facing. She considered the possibility of giving her dear baby girl to a family totally unknown in the quarter for taking care of her dear baby girl and for being in charge of raising her baby as the real parents of the baby for a certain number of years.

"How could one find such a family?" Huda asked herself. Finally she arrived at the following conclusion. She discovered that all doors of salvation are really firmly closed and she should have to accept her destiny. Perhaps, she thought a miracle would take place, a miracle that would save her and save her little newly born daughter.

While the tormented and suffering mother has been submerged in her worries and inquietude, the little baby slept peacefully and in tranquility in the bosom of her mother. Huda was looking fixedly at the angelic face of her baby girl. At that important moment, she was overwhelmed by sadness, wretchedness, depression and by some feeling of misery. The suffering mother, the woman who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, tried to have a short nap but she could not at all, she has totally failed to sleep.

My father in his hide-out, in his den, could not sleep any more. The sunrise had not yet taken place. In fact, the obscurity of the darkness of the night was still enveloping all. My father could not close his eyes. The face of the little baby girl was presenting itself in front of him from which it seemed, was coming some light.

Simultaneously, the woman who has given birth to a baby girl was feeling tired and even fatigued and exhausted. The presence of the little baby girl lying beside her has given her the feeling of peace, satisfaction as well as the sentiment of fear and panic. The possibility that her baby girl would be kidnapped from her cradle in spite of the presence of the mother has prevented her from sleeping.

Nevertheless, and little by little, sleeping has at last overcome her. The will and the determination of the mother to stay awake and alive, to guard her little daughter has given way to sleeping. As soon as the eyes of Huda were closed she was not at all aware of what has been hiding for her in the midst of the obscurity of the darkness of the night. Perhaps, she was by now having her dreams and probably her nightmares. Her little baby girl beside her, in her cradle, was also sleeping, was in a very deep sleep.

The next day, just somewhat after sunrise and the arrival of light into the room of Huda, the mother, who has given birth to a little baby girl in the preceding night, got up from her deep sleep. But her baby was still plunging in its deep sleep. The mother looked affectionately at her sleeping daughter.

At that time of the day nobody came to the bedroom of Huda. The mother has been waiting for a long time the visit of anybody to the room, her room. But no-one has come. Even the maid servant who was present in the child birth yesterday did not come at all. Actually, and in conformity with the orders of the head of the family, my father, all the residents of the house without any exception were prevented to visit Huda who gave birth to a girl.

Huda was intelligent enough to realize that her husband, my father has declared the war against her. The mother of the newly born girl was not permitted at all to leave her room, not until midday when the maid servant would tell her that she would leave her room to go to the bathroom.

Huda, at midday, left her room. Outside she remarked that no-one gave attention to her. Nobody looked at her while she was walking in the corridor. She went straight forward and hastily to the bathroom. She had the intention not to stay long in the bathroom so as to be able to go back to her room and to her baby, the newly born baby girl.

After a very short time, the mother of the newly born baby girl came out of the bathroom and she went straight to her bedroom without looking here and there.

As soon as she opened the door, she looked nervously at the cradle of the baby who was supposed to be sleeping there. What she discovered was at the same time surprising and shocking. The mother of the child could not believe what she has seen inside the room. The newly born baby girl was not there in her cradle.

The baby has totally disappeared. There was no trace for the little just born baby girl in the room. For a while, an instant, the mother could not believe what she has seen and discovered. The mother felt that the world around her was totally engulfed, submerged in darkness.

Then, and as soon as Huda discovered the reality she uttered a cry that echoed everywhere in the whole house. Yet all the members of the family reacted to this horrible and frightening cry as if they heard nothing. The old maid servant came hurriedly to the bedroom of Huda.

"Madame, why do you cry like this as if something frightening has taken place in your room? What is the matter, the problem, tell me if you please?" asked the old maid.

"Where is she? Where is she? I mean my little daughter. She was few minutes ago in this cradle, near my bed. Where is she now?" asked the mother in distress.

"What small baby do you speak about? Was there even a small baby here, a little girl?" asked the old maid wickedly and spitefully while she was standing nearby the open door of the room of Huda.

"What do you mean by that? What do you mean? With no doubt, one of us, the two, has become insane, a fool." answered the afflicted and the distressed mother.

"Don't you remember what has happened here yesterday, during the night, in this room? Have you forgotten the event that happened here yesterday? This is very strange, really very strange. You don't remember what happened yesterday. Please, try to remember what happened here yesterday? Please, try to remember what happened yesterday here, in this room!! Please you should remember that you did not give birth to a baby." answered the old maid amazed and astonished.

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"What is going on in this cursed and mysterious house? My baby daughter was a living human being few minutes ago, here in this cradle, nearby my bed. She was sleeping in that cradle." explained the afflicted mother to the startled old maid.

"Listen to me. I am sure that you are hallucinating. You have forgotten what has happened yesterday evening. Your baby has come to this world already dead, with no life." answered the old maid servant.

"This is not true; you do not say the truth, the reality. Tell me where is my baby, where is my little daughter? I have fed her from my breast several times yesterday throughout the whole long night. I fed her several times, Where is my daughter? My daughter was breathing regularly. I heard her little heart beating. I saw her small eyes twinkling and I saw her small hands moving. This is not true. This is not true. Somebody had kidnapped my daughter. Somebody has taken away my daughter during my absence in the bathroom." cried the mother who was in agony and distress.

"You are really hallucinating. Try to calm yourself. Try to keep quiet. This is not the first time that a baby is born dead. You remember yourself the last case since four months when one of the conclusions has given birth to a dead child that was buried on the same day and without delay. And why do you say that the child was kidnapped? After a short time you would be able to see your child enveloped in the shroud. There, in the other bathroom, some persons are preparing the dead child for the final rituals before her burial in the grave." declared the old maid.

At that particular moment, when the old maid has declared the news of the death of the newly born child, Huda, the mother, fainted. She sat on a mattress that was next to the bed and to one of the two windows of the room.

The old maid who looked somewhat tired could not believe what she has seen in front of her. The mother of the dead child reacted to the news in such a violent way that she gave the impression that she became insane.

Huda uttered some incomprehensible phrases and words from her mouth. She did not stop to strike her face with her hands and very frequently while she was crying. Foams of Saliva came out of her mouth in a continuous way. Between now and then she was shivering in a frantic way. She even was uttering between now and then some cries and some words.

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The old maid who left the bedroom of Huda soon came back after a short while accompanied by two young men, who were employed to take care of the house garden and the courtyard surrounding the house. Huda was still struck by the cries of hallucination and of insanity. The fainting woman was saying in a loud voice, "Where is she? Where is she? Where is the baby girl; my daughter? Somebody has kidnapped my child."

In a very rapid manner the two young men carried the fainting woman and immediately took her to the section of the residence of sequestration and incarceration.

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The corps of the dead child that was found in the other bathroom actually has given the last breath of her life during the short absence of her mother in the bathroom attached to bedrooms in the main sections of the house.

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Nobody whatsoever witnessed the crime committed in the bedroom, because, and most probably, the little baby was killed in the absence of his mother. Before the return of the mother to her room, the dead child was precipitately taken to the section of the sequestration of the house.

Because of the existing traditions, which required that any dead female of whatsoever age must be buried during the night, it was not possible to take the coffin of the dead baby girl to the cemetery during the day. Consequently, the decision was taken to wait till the arrival of the obscurity of the night for the burial of the dead baby girl of Huda. Therefore, the bathroom, where the body of the dead child was left, was closed by the key. Nobody, after this drastic measure could utilize this room of death.

The dusk, the twilight, has made its appearance in the quarter. Then, the darkness of the night came hurriedly after that. The two young men who brought the mother, Huda, to the residence of sequestration, came back to take hastily the little baby girl to the cemetery.

My father made a short visit to the bathroom to be sure that everything was all right. He stayed in the bathroom for a very short time. He had a quick look at the corpse of the dead baby girl, and then he left the bathroom and went directly to his bedroom.

One of the two young men carried the dead body of the little baby girl, and the two young men went directly to the cemetery. There the tomb in which the dead baby girl would be buried was already dug and prepared for receiving the corpse of the baby. One of the two young men did all what was necessary for the burial of the dead child in conformity with the existing and the prevailing traditions.

Finally, some earth, soil, was thrown inside the tomb which was still open. And in a short time the tomb of the victim acquired the appearance of an ordinary tomb like all the other tombs in the cemetery. In the middle of the night the two young men went back to the big house where they went in fact to the annex attached to the main building, where they were living with their families.

As for the mother of the baby girl, who was buried in the cemetery, she naturally became one of the residents of the section of sequestration. She started her life in the world of forgetfulness, the world of the oblivion.

On the next day, after the burial of the little baby girl, and the sequestration of Huda, the mother of the dead baby girl, my father behaved such an unbelievable normal way as if he was an innocent human being. During the morning after the murder and the burial of his little daughter he gave the impression that nothing of importance has taken place in the house.

After taking the breakfast and several cups of tea, my father went out of the house and made his way towards his daily work. In his way to his shops, stores, and workshops, he saluted and greeted many people whom he knew with a deceitful and an artful smile on his face.

In the principal shop, my father sometimes talked for a long time with the customers and he posed and raised several questions concerning the most recent events that took place recently in the quarter.

On the other hand, every wife and concubine in our big house occupied herself of certain daily household duties and activities. The children played in the interior courtyard. The maids were fully busy in the main kitchen of the big house.

Nevertheless, all the adults of the house were looking at each other when they crossed each other because, for sure, they became well informed of the events that took place in the house since yesterday evening, or during the last two nights.

Of course, everybody remarked the absence of woman, the wife of my father, Huda, who has given birth to a little baby girl the night of the day before.

Equally, all the residents of the house have remarked the disappearance of the newly born baby girl. For several days, the inhabitants of the big house knew categorically that the baby was killed and was buried. The residents knew also that the mother has become a fool because of the sudden disappearance and the death of the little baby girl.

All persons in the big house knew that the wife of my mother was incarcerated in the residence of the sequestration and that she would be staying there for the rest of her life as a prisoner who was sentenced to life imprisonment by my father.

As for me, Rajab, my life in the big house at the age of ten years has become really unsupportable, unbearable and intolerable. From one day to another I was witnessing more and more the satanic acts and the barbarous practices committed by my father. As a child, a small boy, I was absolutely unable to react and to take measures which would oblige my father to stop committing such massacres of the little helpless small baby girls as well as women. I wished I could prevent my father from the practice of incest with his daughters and with some of his relatives, like his sisters.

No-one at all has manifested a determined will of taking the proper and the necessary legal measures for obliging my father to stop carrying out his scandalous and his criminal acts and practices.

My mother did not accept at all to lend me her ears and to listen to me from time to time telling her the tragic and the horrible stories that have been taken place in a regular and a frequent manner every week, every month in the heart of our house.

All the members of the family, and because of their continuous claim, pretension to be blind, dumb and deaf were practically considered as accomplices in all the crimes committed by my father. Because of my helplessness to confront the monster, my father, who devoured all his preys, his victims, in this jungle, our house, I commenced to consider the possibility to escape from this hell and save myself and go anywhere either in the quarter or elsewhere in the other neighboring quarters.

On the other hand, I thought of the possibility that I myself, all alone, could take a measure that would put a final conclusive and permanent end to the infernal life in the big house. At that particular moment I could not find an idea or a specific option or alternative.

Certainly, I felt myself drowned in a water-well without any bottom. I thought that I should first save myself of this process of self drowning which was slowly strangling and suffocating me. "Should I stop all my activities of surveillance, control, monitoring and watching the nocturnal activities of my father?" I asked myself which options or alternatives are available for me to solve this complicated problem.

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Was it possible to solicit the assistance and the help of whosoever in the preparation and the execution of a rescue and life-saving operation? I posed to myself such questions when I lay in my bed and began to prepare myself to sleep everyday in the night.

The aspect the most tragic in the impasse, in the dead-lock, was the scandalous and the shameful attitude of the community in general towards such stories narrated everywhere in all the quarters of the community.

With the passing of time, the climate in the big house has become more and more calm and placid and appeased. The inhabitants of the cursed home have almost forgotten the tragic and the scandalous events that have taken place recently in the big house. It is understood that there have been certainly in the past and in the recent times similar events to those that I have been telling so far above.

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In spite of all of that, I do not forget anything. The monstrous stories have been dominating me, possessing me, haunting me night and day and at whatever moment when I and my father meet each other and only for some instants. In such situations I could remark that my father did his best to hide the fear that began to catch him in his throat and to threaten the tranquility of his existence.

As for me, Rajab, the small boy, I felt little by little, and day after day, that I was no more a small child, a small boy of ten years of age. I felt that I was a grown up human being, some kind of a grown up man with a conscience and a mind that could help me to carry out some reasoning, some analysis, which would help me to arrive at reasonable conclusions and just and righteous judgments.

After some reflection and contemplation, and after much thinking and meditation I said and I arrived at the conclusion that I should wait and be patient before taking any action against the power of the devil and before reacting against the satanic, the pervasive, the evil and the vicious behavior of my father.

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The Night of Shame

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